Well my last write-up was also about December and I can’t stop obsessing over this month, because it happens to be my birthday month apart from bringing alive the charm of Christmas plum cakes. 2020, thanks to you I couldn’t fully live-up my 33 and now i will be hitting 34. It feels as if I have wasted one precious year of youth from my life’s journey. I have always believed in the adage “age is just a number”, but now this is hitting me hard. It’s almost like half of my life is over and what have I achieved? The society tends to measure your progress in tangibles, you are basically supposed to tick off boxes in a checklist — study in renowned institutions, get fancy academic degrees, a nice job, a house, a car, fat account balance, trips, relationships, marriage, kids, kid’s education, their marriage, grand kids and so on. Phew! My report card on this front is way below average and I would get a D-. With this grade, I am wondering what am I doing? What’s the purpose of my existence? After all, I am not just supposed to work, eat, sleep, read or watch TV everyday. Instead of linear growth, I seem to be on a merry-go-round trip.
Since last week, I have been chewing over these thoughts and have been overthinking and stressing over my birthday, wishing only if I could pause time. Self-guilt is like a swamp which sucks out your energy and makes you feel all dull and gloomy. I confess, it took me a while to pull out myself from this swamp of negative thoughts. I still haven’t figured out my life-goals, my true purpose and I realized I am not alone. So what, I consoled myself. I need not fret over it and eventually it will reveal itself to me when it has to. Till then, let’s do it one day at a time!
The social networks aren’t making it easy. Every refresh of Facebook and Instagram feeds reveals weddings or babies, kids pictures from my peers and those who are way younger than me. There are days when I pat myself on the back for being miles away from this tsunami while on the other, I introspect over my choices and decisions in the past. Was I too arrogant? Am I being punished inadvertently for some of my karmas? Or I could be plain lucky? Mostly, I see myself as blessed and carefree and I know many in my circle secretly envy me for my single status.
It hasn’t been a cake walk so far, it’s been particularly difficult for parents to field queries on my marital status and life. I applaud my decisions and events, and will never reverse any if given a chance. Eventually, what matters the most is your happiness and very often we tie it up with a checklist and convert it into misery by comparing. I know comparison shouldn’t be done, but this silly mind wavers during weak moments. Now that I have turned towards light and can think clearly without dark clouds of negativity hovering, I tell myself -
You are special, your journey is unique and know that only the best will happen. We have a population of 7.8 billion worldwide and still there is only one of you. God could make only one of your kind, so your life and its timing will be different from that of others. In fact, you are made for something different, so what if you feel lost currently. Eventually, the right doors will open up and you will discover the truth. Till then, be your best and stop overthinking. You have an expiry date, just chill and be grateful for what is and stop going bonkers over what has passed by and what will be. Your presence matters to a few, and things are better with you around.
PS - I wanted this to be on a personal blog, but then I thought it could be of help to someone having a bad day.